If you were to ask me a myriad of questions about that fateful day, I would call you ‘insensitive’. The kind of person to gawk at and exploit others’ misfortunes when there was nothing good to watch on TV. Pathetic, low-lives.
I was so tired of people asking me to describe it in detail. Tired of people asking what it felt like to lose him like that. What do you think it was like? I wanted to scream at them.
Even worse, were the phonies. The ones who never even glanced your way and now they wanted to be your best friend. I’d received a million texts from unknown numbers saying the same, useless things:
“Hey Katherine, it’s ______, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m here if you need to talk.”
And when I ran into them at work, they would always ask how I was doing. Day after day, as if my state of mind could change in 24 hours. Even without this fact, it’s common knowledge that strangers don’t care to listen to venting, unless it’s something they can use for gossiping purposes, a shock factor. So I always lie.
“I’m fine, thanks.”
But I would never forget, the memory clung to me like cheap perfume.
It was meant to be the trip of a lifetime, a beautiful release from the monotony of our everyday lives. We had been training to climb Mt. Annapurna in Nepal. It felt like we’d reached the stratosphere. Roaming in places untouched by most humans, pure and breathtaking. But when everything seems like Heaven on Earth, the universe has a wicked way of bringing in destruction and decay.
Old newspaper clippings of the event, I buried deep under boxes of useless trinkets. The captions read: “Body Still Missing, Young man presumably buried alive in an intense snowstorm on Mt. Annapurna. Highest point: 8,091 meters. The tenth highest Mountain in the world. The young couple only made a quarter of the trek before tragedy struck.”
It was the last picture I had of him alive. I’d lost the others when I’d tripped and dropped my Polaroid Camera off the side of the Mountain.
Adam’s smile was blindingly bright, arms raised in an attempt to flex his biceps, head turned slightly like Superman. Behind him, rays of sunlight sliced through puffs of fog, facets of the mountain tiny and distant.
It happened 5 years ago and still no sign of him.
Tau (Adam)
She was back. Blonde hair soft to the touch, sparkling strings of woven gold. A glossy green coat covered her shoulders, casting a heavenly glow. Her features were a blur, but every time she came near, I felt a flicker of familiarity.
The ground was soft, smooth and blanketed in white like a giant scoop of vanilla ice cream. Looming over me, she pointed a pale finger to something off in the distance.
Coming slowly towards me, a dark and shadowy energy seemed to fill the air, painting the vibrant sky with a thick blackness. Suffocating and cold. The white and puffy substance like frosted cement. My eyes frozen shut as it seeped in through my nostrils and numbed my senses, coiling around my limbs like a snake. I couldn’t scream or move, my breaths were labored. I was being buried alive.
“Tau,” a deep voice said. “Tau.” My savior.
“Tau!” I awoke with a start, the darkness of my dream washing away like oversaturated paint.
Batsa was standing by my bed, arms crossed, olive skin dripping with sweat.
“Why are you sleeping so late? Today is a busy day.”
The thin bed frame beneath me let out a few squeaks and groans as I sat up. Burying my face in my hands, I could hear concern seep into Batsa’s voice.
“Jhai vayo. It’s that dream again, isn’t it?”
He was using the slang word for ‘big problem’ in Nepalese culture. Very few spoke English in these areas, but Batsa was the exception.
After finding me dazed and confused, wandering near the village with a shredded and blood stained outer layer of clothing, he took me under his wing. My face was a sickly white and I had no identification on me. Batsa made the assumption that the blood wasn’t mine because I had no open wounds or cuts, aside from a few minor ones, possibly from the blade-like snow.
We resided in a tiny, almost claustrophobic, one room shack in Nagarkot near Pokhara. I had no memory of how I got here or what my life was like before. My mind was a slate wiped clean. I didn’t even have a name, a lot of people around here were calling me ‘Tau’ which translates to ‘handsome,’ and it stuck. I can’t say I’m surprised.
Over the years, I have poked and prodded my subconscious so immensely in my search for answers, I’m shocked my brain is still intact and not a pile of mush. The dreams must be fragments of my past, a nightmarish existence I must say. But the girl...I’m always praying that our paths will someday cross. I knew her, this is a fact.
Katherine
I’d been having visions of that day, or maybe just lucid dreams. Whatever it was, started a year after the incident, causing my surroundings to fade without warning. All so real, so vivid, right out of a Stephen King Novel. The ominous storm clouds, shielding the sun completely. The monstrous wind that swept across the high altitudes, leaving nothing but a ravaged waste land behind. My oxygen mask fogged up to the point that everything was blurred and surreal. The beautiful wintry nights: dark sky a crystalized expanse, snow illuminated in a warm glow; all abducted into a whirlwind abyss. The tree branches reaching out like bony fingers, their shadows menacing and deformed, almost Slender Man-esque. It came in flashes.
***
“I’ll meet you at the top!” Adam shouted out, laughing. He started to increase his stride, as if the oxygen mask and backpack weighed nothing.
“You’re an idiot if you think I’m going to waste my energy so early on.” I sped up to reach him, despite the fact. And my legs started to ache, lungs feeling the strain of the thin air. He felt it too, stopping to bend over and catch his breath. We were in the Annapurna Sanctuary base camp, at 4000 meters. It was a beginner trek and took about five days to reach.
“In all seriousness, we need to refuel,” Adam said, voice trembling slightly due to his rapid breathing. He ransacked his bag for two chocolate energy bars and held one towards me.
“In a second.” I exhaled loudly, breathing in the sweet smell of fresh snow. Polaroid camera in hand, I took gentle steps across the oval shaped plateau, my head on a constant swivel. We had a 360 degree view of mountains, an endless expanse.
I was so lost in the view, I didn’t notice Adam coming up behind me. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and kissed me on the head, a gentle peck like a snowflake.
“Nothing else in our lives will ever amount to this moment,” he said, taking his hands off of me and unwrapping an energy bar.
“Now, eat.”
***
Just as quick as it came, the scene disappeared and the real world materialized.
“Honey, you ok?” Marie had a perplexed look on her face. We were at a Starbucks we frequented on Michigan Avenue.
“Yeah, I’m good. I was just deep in thought,” I groaned. “Everyone pities me. Especially today, his 25th birthday.” As I leaned over to sip my iced latte, I got a faceful of whipped cream instead. I knew I should’ve grabbed a straw.
Marie didn’t respond, she just stared at me intensely. I could imagine the gears turning in her brain, a mile a minute. She wasn’t the brightest but I loved her anyway.
“No, I’ve seen that look before.” She took a pause to drink her coffee, which was always straight black. “You nod and stuff but it’s like you’re not all there. Just a few ‘hmms and uh huhs.’ Have you seen your therapist lately?”
I pushed my drink away and leaned back in my chair. “No, I’m not crazy, ok? I just have occasional flashbacks.”
She copied my movements.
“You have PTSD.”
“So you’re saying people with PTSD are psychotic?”
She looked hurt. “No. I’m not a jerk. I just meant that you’re always claiming to be psychic. I think it’s worth getting a professional opinion.”
I rubbed my eyes vigorously, as if trying to rub away the memories.
Then looking her straight in the eyes, I spoke: “he’s still alive. I can feel it.”
Tau
Every night, the dreams seemed to get more and more vivid. My desire to know her grew stronger with it.
***
I wanted to vomit, but my mouth was sandpaper dry. The once soft ground, now jagged and rough beneath me. She appeared again, an angelic beauty. Sunlight bouncing off of her, creating a bokeh effect. As she came closer, I noticed blood gushing from her face and covering her upper body, the rest of her features still a blurry mess. I wanted to get up and help her, make sure she was alright, but I couldn’t get my legs to function. The mountain range surrounding us seemed to jut out awkwardly, closing in on us like predators.
The woman fell to her knees, emitting a puff of snow. The blood from her face trickled towards me.
“Who are you?” I called out, my voice echoey and airy.
Suddenly, as if on cue, the blood stopped. Gasping, I looked down at my clothing and noticed I was drenched in it.
The woman finally spoke, face remaining a bright bluish blur.
“I’ve been looking for you.”
The snowscape dissolved into a narrow street. Skyscrapers looming overhead in place of mountains. Lying on my back, I gazed up at the buildings, looking for anything to indicate my location. The streets were vacant, not a taxi cab or bus in sight.
“Come find me.” The voice was barely above a whisper now, as everything faded to black.
I awoke with a pang of guilt, reminding me of why I’d never tried to figure out who I was. I had her blood on me, what if I’d killed her?
Katherine (5 Years Earlier)
When the storm started, we’d been asleep and hadn’t moved from the Sanctuary. We’d awoken as the wind started to pound on the tent, whooshing around us like ocean waves. The poles supporting the structure creaking and groaning.
When we’d fallen asleep, the embers of our fire were still flickering, casting a dim light. Now, it was completely dark, the stars trapped underneath thick storm clouds. As we sprung out into the night, my eyes immediately started stinging against the harsh winds. Chunks of ice and snow colliding into us, splattering on impact like paintballs. I wanted my oxygen mask, but I couldn’t see anything but dark, gray shapes.
I felt Adam stagger against me, throwing out an elbow to brace himself and ending up whacking me in the head. Spots speckled my vision as my cheeks started to throb. In my dizzy haze, the gloomy mountainside rushed up to greet me. I face planted in the snow, a numbing pain creeping up my temple. Before I blacked out, I could’ve sworn I saw Adam’s silhouette fall and disappear from sight.
Present Day
“Adam!” I squeaked out, between shallow breaths. When I heard nothing, I took off running, unsure where I was headed. Feet hindered by the clumpy snow, exhaustion overridden by adrenaline. Where could he be?
Almost immediately after, a gray hiking boot appeared in the snow ahead. It looked like it was still attached to a leg. Adam?
Almost immediately after, a gray hiking boot appeared in the snow ahead. It looked like it was still attached to a leg. Adam?
The sun was just starting to rise, a bright light reflecting off the ghostly terrain.
“Help me!” A man’s voice called out from beneath me. It sounded muffled, like it was underwater.
“Adam, I’ve been looking for you,” I called out, my voice sounding unnaturally echoey, like multiple people speaking at once.
“Who are you?” the man mumbled.
All of a sudden, an older man and younger man, were leading goats on leashes and passed through me as if my insides were made of fog. They were deep in conversation, talking about the horrible storm that had happened just hours earlier up on Mountain Annapurna. I was confused until I realized I was no longer on the mountain, but in a village I recognized.
I decided to follow the two men. They were set to keep walking, until they saw him. Immediately after, the dad tied their goats to a nearby tree to see if he needed help.
Adam. He was stumbling around near (what looked like) the youth center as if he were drunk. His face was translucent white and he had little beads of sweat on his forehead. His athletic clothes and new black coat were torn, feathers spilling out, and I could see bloodstains on his shirt. My blood. The man and his young adult son whispered something to each other and then took slow steps towards Adam. Probably to avoid startling him in case he had a weapon.
“What’s your name?” the older one asked, smoothing out his gray beard.
“Let me see your hands,” the younger one said.
Adam obeyed, his arms and legs trembling. “I don’t remember my name. I don’t remember anything.”
“Amnesia,” the dad mumbled.
“Do you have any identification on you? Check your pockets.”
Adam rummaged through both coat pockets. Our ID’s were in our backpacks.
Realizing Adam was harmless, the son stepped closer and took his hand.
“I’m Batsa and this is my dad Dhriti. I wish these were much better circumstances, but it's nice to meet you.”
Then turning towards his dad (speaking in Nepalese), “Do you think he was in the mountains when the storm hit? He looks completely out of it.”
Dhriti contemplated this for a moment and then nodded.
“Can you guys help me?” Adam’s voice was barely above a whisper.
“You really don’t remember a thing?” Dhriti asked. “Are you alone?”
Adam nodded slowly, but seemed to be grasping for something.
“C’mon, there’s a little Community Health Center about a block from here, think you can make it?” Batsa spoke, untying the bleating goats from the tree.
***
I jolted up in bed, heart racing, sweat trickling down my neck.
Did he really not remember me? That explains the lack of contact.
I shook my head, feeling foolish for what I was thinking. It was a dream. He was dead.
But there was a feeling I couldn’t rid myself of. I needed answers.
Shaking off an overwhelming sense of dread that I'd have to identify his body somewhere, I reached for my laptop charging on my nightstand. Time to book a flight to Nepal.
Tau
“Namastē mitra.” That was how Batsa always greeted me, ‘mitra’ meaning ‘friend.’ I worked at the Mt. Everest Youth Center and he always came to help in the afternoons.
“Still thinking about those silly dreams of yours?”
I frowned at him, helping a young girl put the last finishing touches on a bead necklace. "It's not silly. I think they hold some truth to them.”
He shrugged, chuckling to himself.
“I’m serious, this last one was in a city. I tried to figure out which but everything was all distorted and sort of clustered together.”
"Maybe you're being haunted by a mountain troll, who's disguised as an attractive female".
Tau was about to shove him, maybe not so playfully, when he heard the door chime.
A middle aged woman I’d never seen before entered the room. She had crows feet and wrinkles in place of dimples. Her purple headscarf and tiny curls of black hair were blowing in the breeze from the electric fan.
“Is there an Adam here?” she asked in fluent Nepalese, surveying the room. I knew the woman well, she was the infamous village psychic. People had all kinds of names for her, not excluding 'witch'. Even if I didn't fully believe in the superstitious nonsense, she had an off-kilter vibe and you don't mess with crazies.
I had nothing to lose, especially since the name 'Adam' sounded horribly familiar.
Katherine
“You’re insane. I wish I was there to talk you out of it,” Marie said. I could picture her rolling her eyes.
I sprinted through security, shoving past people. I’d overslept and my plane to Abu Dhabi was set to leave in 30 minutes.
I sprinted through security, shoving past people. I’d overslept and my plane to Abu Dhabi was set to leave in 30 minutes.
“Right now isn’t a good time to talk,” I said, panting. “I’m about to miss my flight.”
“Whatever, at least the travel time is enough of a punishment. Get ready for a 14 hour flight and then another 4.”
I sighed, “Yes I remember.”
Once I was on the plane and settled in, everything was clicking back into place. I remembered the little screens for movies. Adam and I had watched “Spiderman: Homecoming,” and a few mediocre horror films. We had snuggled up against one another, avoiding the meals because the extreme time change soiled our appetites, causing us to sleep a majority of the flight. I felt a wave of nausea as I recalled the amount of curry we’d consumed on our trip. It’d been five years since I’d even looked at Indian food. The framed images of camels in the desert were the same. Nothing had really changed. Except the obvious.
I slid back in my seat and pulled the red sleeping mask (they provided) over my eyes, with the words, “don’t wake me for food,” exposed.
Tau
"A woman named Katherine is asking." My stomach churned.
I pulled Batsa outside with me, tugging him by his shirt sleeves. "I don’t know why, but those names sound incredibly familiar to me. It’s almost scary.”
His forehead crinkled into a partial frown. “Are you really gonna believe some crazy witch lady?"
I laughed dryly, "I've got nothing to lose really."
"I mean I guess you could be onto something. I did hear that people with amnesia get their memories back eventually." He paused, considering something. "Ok, so let's say that by some miracle, that lady is being genuine. Maybe they were people you were with that night. Maybe you just got separated.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
No, that wasn’t it. At least not entirely. I was missing something. If it was them and they were alive, I guess there was another explanation for the blood.
“I am curious about something though,” Batsa said, forehead creased in thought.
“If Katherine is looking for Adam, does that mean Adam lives here and Katherine lives elsewhere? You look like a boring white American. So maybe she is too."
I chuckled, despite the chill that inched down my spine like a spider.
“It’s a small village, if he lived here, I would’ve run into him ages ago. Right?”
"If we are talking the entirety of Nepal, you haven't even begun to look," Batsa muttered, motioning back towards the old lady.
"Wish me luck". I rushed back inside to find the kids dancing around her and giggling. I pushed through, smiling brightly at of them, despite how fast my heart was beating.
“Where is she?” I spoke back in Nepalese, making sure to annunciate as much as possible so I wouldn't waste time repeating myself.
She responded to my comment asking where Katherine was by gesturing towards the door. "Follow me".
I think she also may have mentioned something about a taxi cab but I wasn't entirely sure. I was fully losing it, whatever was left of my sanity.
As I exited, I noticed a few of the children looking at me with sad, puppy-like eyes and mouths jutted out in a pout. I laughed and told them I would be back shortly.
Katherine
It was mid-afternoon by the time I stepped off the plane, officially in Pokhara. My official stop was Kathmandu but I had to ride a smaller plane for a short flight to Pokhara. I’d forgotten how formal the flight attendants were, passing out butterscotch candies and sodas, acting as though the 20 minute flight was an hour or more.
As I stepped out into the bright sunlight, my eyes slowly adjusting, I felt a wave of nausea as the blood rushed to my head. I should’ve drank more water.
As I stepped out into the bright sunlight, my eyes slowly adjusting, I felt a wave of nausea as the blood rushed to my head. I should’ve drank more water.
Hopping in a cab, I winced every time the driver slammed on the brakes to narrowly avoid hitting a human, dog or goat. I would never get used to the roads here.
The sun was high in the sky, radiating off the cracked, black cement. People were scattered everywhere, pulling animals around, selling food to unsuspecting tourists, sweating profusely. The mountains sat still as death in the distance, like a bad omen.
Pokhara was a nicer area than Kathmandu. The air was cleaner which allowed me to remove the scarf from my neck that was meant for filtering the air.
The driver was taking me to one of the places I’d dreamt of: the ‘Youth Center’ came to mind first.
I stared out the large window, taking deep breaths to calm my bubbling anxiety. What would I do when I found him?
The car stopped again, endless honks erupting. We’d barely moved in the past ten minutes. I was getting antsy, my left leg shaking uncontrollably and I suddenly felt claustrophobic.
I scanned outside in a panic, looking for an excuse to exit the vehicle.
Suddenly, the air felt thin enough to suffocate me, because I saw something.
“Excuse me sir, can you stop here.”
"In the middle of traffic? I'll find a place to pull over", he grumbled, probably mentally cursing me for being an annoying American. I'd also previously changed my destination a few times so that didn't help things.
I paid him in American dollars, since I’d forgotten to get rupees, and gingerly stepped out into the chaos.
Tau / Adam
I followed the old woman through the hustle and bustle of the streets. Motorcyclists sped past us, leaving a cloud of dust in their wake.
She gestured to a girl around my age. She was turned in my direction but her eyes were downcast, silky blond hair tied back in a messy bun. She had on black jeans, with grass stains on the knee and a gray sweatshirt that said “Mizzou” in yellow letters. She was wandering alongside a taxi cab, almost like a drunkard.
“Adam!”
Her face lit up as she saw me approaching. She was about to run towards me but something in my face made her stop.
I stared for the longest time. Adam?
“I'll leave you guys to it then," the woman spoke in broken English, before speed walking away.
I stepped forward slowly, as if the ground would crumble beneath me at any second.
“I’m Tau,” I mumbled to myself.
A memory, like a shard of glass, thrust itself into my subconscious.
I smiled faintly, Katherine’s eyes glazing over.
Then I spoke, voice strong and steady; “You look like the woman from my dreams.”
She looked shocked for a moment, her eyes wide but stuck on his. Then to his bewilderment, she burst out laughing.
“That would’ve been an awful pick-up line if I hadn’t dreamt of you too!”
It seemed too good to be true. I half expected the sun drenched earth to freeze over into a snow scape and whisk us away to the mountains. Eternally living in an illusion.
Never again. I thought. We were more awake than we’d been in years.